Crashing In

Over the last week I have found great irony in the turbulent flight from Chicago to Tulsa.  Tulsa was experiencing 70 mph winds during our landing.  It was a rough flight and at moments I wondered if we were going to be crashing in, falling from the clouds.  Throughout the first week or so following Diego’s discharge, a flood of emotions surfaced.  I realize now looking back that not only did Diego and I physically have a rough landing, but an emotionally rough landing as well.  As if we were coming in on two flat tires.

I was able to continue moving forward throughout the weeks leading up to the surgery and during our time in Boston because of an adrenaline high.  This adrenaline kept me wide awake for 1 week straight even though I had very few hours of sleep.  I was able to “hold it together” and take each moment as it came.  Not looking back nor looking ahead.  I was simply living the moment as it presented itself.  It seems logical to me now that eventually all the emotions would catch up with me.  The flood gates would open and crash over my life.  During the initial days following Diego’s discharge I felt as if I was drowning trying to keep my head above the water.  I desperately wanted to crawl into a hole and hide.  I kept thinking if I can just escape within myself the flooding waters would pass me by.  I did not want to talk about it nor did I want to blog about it.  I simply wanted it to disappear.  It is funny how I subconsciously thought if I cover my eyes, ears, and mouth that the ugly monster will no longer exist.  I suppose it is similar to how a baby believes if they cover their own eyes then others will not be able to see them. 

The first week home Diego was physically recovering well, but emotionally he was struggling.  He was asked by a friend, how he was feeling and he said with an upbeat reply and a smile on his face, “I feel good!”  Then she asked, “Do you want everyone to stop talking about it” and Diego replied meekly, “Yes, kind of”.  He had been brave for so long and he was also coming down from the adrenaline high.  Diego would show off his incision with great pride to anyone that asked about it.  Then at home, he would complain that his scar could be seen when he was wearing his school uniform polo shirt.  He recognized what he should be feeling was bravery, confidence and pride.  But what he was truly feeling was weak, timid and defeat. He too thought if he could just cover it up it would no longer exist.  Diego is at an age where he is completely aware of what he is up against, therefore, it makes sense that he is struggling with it emotionally.

Some of the lyrics from Katy Perry’s song “Wide Awake” have struck a chord with me and possibly express these emotions better than I can. 

I'm wide awake
Thunder rumbling
Castles crumbling

I am trying to hold on

God knows that I tried
Seeing the bright side

But I'm not blind anymore...
I'm wide awake
Yeah, I'm falling from cloud 9
I'm crashing from the high
You know I'm letting go
I'm falling from cloud 9

Of course these lyrics can have multiple meanings, but to me it expresses the feeling of trying to hold on and focus on the bright side while crashing in from our adrenaline high.